"The Beast" Sounds Off
Our Favorite ol' Right-Wing Buddy
Gives His 2¢ About the Modern World!
Buford Christenson: "I just don't understand this modern world y'all"
(This, as a whups on a punching bag in the backyard. The grass is yellow, the weeds are overgrown, and an old truck is up on cinder blocks. A hound dog yelps)
Buford Christenson: "If ain't the Mexicans sneakin' over the border, the rag-heads over in the Middle East, or the cannibals in Africa, it's something else. The world is a shit-hole, man!"
Buford Christenson: "And the liberals! You know whut they're up to? They're trying to turn my gas station into a fag emporium!"
Counting on his fingers:
Buford Christenson: "Fresh seafood, delis, expresso. . . . . Stay away from my Slim Jims, you bitch! I need my beef jerky to live!"
Buford Christenson: "Of course, I could always dry my own. . . . . that's why I bought them rabbits for. Y2K and stuff. Well. . . . . keep prepared and all, you know. But all them rabbits ate the grass around here and DIED. They twitched and tore out their own guts. All except one, 'Bucky'. That's my daughter's. I was going to stew up that bunny, and she plead for it's life with it's neck on the chopping block"
Buford Christenson: "Well, shit. Even I ain't that mean. Have a rabbit. As long as you clean up the motherfuckin' cage. And remember to feed it. I'm too busy to clean up rabbit shit. . . . . I punch the clock for 60 hours on the knife-fightin' lecture circuit, teaching cowboys what to do in case they get into it with the niggers. Them bucks, they never fight fair!"
Buford Christenson: "That's why you got to learn how to sneak up on 'em like this:"
Buford Christenson: "Kill first, and ask questions later!"
Buford Christenson: "They're always after our white women. They can have them feminist bitches. 'Vagina Monologues' my ass!"
Buford Christenson: "It's like, 'Come here you, spread your legs-- I'll show you a VIBRATING APPARATUS!'"
(Blood spattered bits of white panties flyin' every which way)
Buford Christenson: "I want a real woman! A true woman! Honorable and right! One like this:"
Buford Christenson: "But it ain't like that 'Forest Gump' picture. Life is like an empty beer bottle. . . . . you always know what you're gonna get! Well, I've been jawin' enough. This is your ol' pal Buford, signing off.
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Click here for More Adventures of Buford Christenson. . . . .
Side Note:
DELVE FURTHER INTO THE MIND OF BUFORD
DOWNLOAD CIVIL WAR II PDF
& WHISTLE PAST THE GRAVEYARD!
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"You want a-nuther song? Well I ain't plain' one mutherfuckin' note until someone comes up here and puts sum money in my god-damned tip-jar! You know I only came here for one purpose. . . . . to take yor fuckin' cash! Why, I could make more profit puttin' out my meth-head neighbor's asshole and ringin' a bell, hollerin' 'Man for sale! Man for sale!'
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(Rheeee of Crickets)
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("I heard that, Missy!")
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