Narrator: "Good, clean government. As Mayor Cervantes strides out of city hall, there is the police chief. And the treasurer. And the union representative. Reporters line up with questions"

Narrator: "In the crowd, two feminine figures weave around with a tape recorder, taking notes with cameras around their necks. Why, it's Yvette and Leanne-- high school wunderkids! Yes, while other young people are getting milkshakes and sitting around the movie houses these two golden girls keep on top of things, performing their civic duty for their campus newspaper! Isn't that wholesome, kids? Tedious busywork is what made this nation great!"

Yvette: "Gee, Leanne. Good thing we got here in time. You know our paper only comes out four times a year. Maybe we'll make next month's edition!"

Leanne: "Good golly, Ari. We still have that piece to wrap up about the social inequality of the urban Negro!"

Yvette: "It sure is fortunate that we have an opportunity like this to affect positive change! To think we're just seniors and stuff. . . . ."

Narrator: "A miserable individual stands amongst the throng, an unhappy Italian grocer. He paces back and forth, as if to speak to the mayor personally, but the bustling reporters block his way. The crowd leaves, and he shakes his fist"

Leanne: "Why, what's wrong?"

Italian Grocer: "Oh, de government won't stop La Costra Nostra from shaking down my business. I try to sell fruit on "The Hill", but they dynamite my stall!"

Leanne: "Golly, that's not right. My relatives came aboard the Mayflower, and they never knew treatment like this"

Yvette: "My family are Jews who immigrated here, and we know what persecution is. In fact, we're all a nation of immigrants. Diversity is our strength-- that's what makes America great!"

Leanne: "Yeah!"

Narrator: "The Italian Grocer shows the dynamic duo his ruined storefront. Melons are smashed against the pavement and the windows are blown out. The cash register is turned upside down. But the chief of police insisted there was no mafia, even as a car pulled down the avenue and tossed a man out the door with a note pinned to his sleeve. 'Buy our perishable fruit or perish', it read"

Italian Grocer: "La Costra Nostra corners the fruit market, and insists that we buy from de big boss. Or else we get it in the neck!"

[Makes "SCRRRIIIIHH" sound, like throat getting cut, moving finger across neck]

Yvette: "But laws exist to protect the small business owner from these kind of shenanigans! We are a nations of laws, not men!"

Leanne: "No one's above the law, not even the President!"

Italian Grocer, shrugging: "Eh, eh"

Yvette: "We have to talk to someone we can trust!"

 

Scene 3

Harry Carey: "Glad I could talk to you all about inspiration girls, I've been broadcasting baseball for twenty-five years. Boy, what a shot! I started off as a salesman for a freezer company, and. . . . . well, I'm getting ahead of myself!"

Yvette: "How would you deal with what's wrong out there?"

Harry Carey: "Well, I'd say you'd just have to stick to your principles, young lady. The squeaky wheel gets the oil-- or gets thrown out. . . . . ha, ha, ha! But I was raised back during the Depression. We didn't throw anything out in those days. . . . . we really scrimped and saved! Ho, ho, ho!"

Leanne: "We're just two girls, we can't do it alone!"

Harry Carey: "Well, maybe you can get some of your school chums to help you out, like those 'Lil' Rascals' film shorts from the '30s! That's what I was raised on. That's why I'm so naive and hokey!"

Harry Carey: "Before you go, take this-- an autographed baseball! Holy cow!"

 

Scene 4

Narrator: "Yvette was at home, studying"

Narrator: "But tonight was the night!"

Narrator: "Leanne lined up some help-- a freshman named Hassan!"

Narrator: "The plan was to watch as the mafioso truck made it's delivery at the Italian grocer's business, and take down the license plate number. Here they are now, huddled in the shadows around the corner"

Yvette: "Now's our chance! Let's go!".

Hassan: "What do you want me to do?"

Leanne: "Come along with us!"

Narrator: "The girls in their escort make their way over to the idling truck. Being lithe and taller, Yvette and Leanne easily climb aboard. Hassan struggles, drawing attention to the party"

Mafioso: "Hey you! Get away from dis here truck!"

Leanne: "Oh, no! They'll make a ham out of him!"

Yvette: "Shhhhhh!"

Narrator: "Hassan scampers off"

Mafioso: "Stupid kid!"

Narrator: "To the girls' horror, the truck begins to roll, speeding down the highway! They're petrified with terror, unable to move! Over the river, into the east side slums!"

Narrator: "The truck pulls into a warehouse, and the corrugated metal door shuts. A bunch of seedy-looking hoodlums in eye-patches are playing cards. Yvette sneezes at the saw dust"

Gang: "Hey, what is dis? We'se got us some spies! What do we do boss?"

Boss: "Tie 'em up!"

Narrator: "Yvette throws the autographed baseball "like a girl" and misses! But we love her just the same!

Narrator: "Is it 'curtains' for these two Could this be the end of public-spiritedness? Would we conclude this broadcast on such a cliff-hanger? No, wait! A figure emerges from the shadows. . . . ."

CEO of Insufferable Broadcasting: "Hey, this website is pulled along on a shoestring by donations. Pay up, or fuck you! That is all. . . . ."

Click here for the sequel, "A Torch for Courage"!

*******************

"You want a-nuther song? Well I ain't plain' one mutherfuckin' note until someone comes up here and puts sum money in my god-damned tip-jar! You know I only came here for one purpose. . . . . to take yor fuckin' cash! Why, I could make more profit puttin' out my meth-head neighbor's asshole and ringin' a bell, hollerin' 'Man for sale! Man for sale!'

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

(Rheeee of Crickets)

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("I heard that, Missy!")