"Don Quixote USA"
Screenplay
(Part & Parcel)
Brought to you by the
zany comic opera of
Richard Powell and the PROMOTIONAL
RAZZMATAZZ
of Michael "Lawless" Adams
(ALL RIGHTS RESERVED!)
"Sonny, even though I'm dead
you might be on to
something!"
DON QUIXOTE U.S.A.
An Original Screenplay
by
Michael "Lawless" Adams
Based on an Original Work
by
Richard Powell
(-- Long in the Grave)
Second Draft
Registered by "Insufferable Industries"
In the year of our Lord, 2008
(God help us all!)
Part I: "Through the Eyes of a Child"
FADE IN
BLACK SCREEN
Music Enters: Saucy, zesty "Cubano" music from "The Buena Vista Social Club"-- suggests Latin American intrigue, an "easy come, easy go" attitude where passions are extreme and hearts are broken "at the drop of a hat", yet people shrug and "forget about it" amidst the tropical paradise where the divide between extreme opulence and extreme poverty is extremely shady. A naive, Yankee "Peace Corps" volunteer who takes things far too cerebral and literal-mindedly is only going to end up "like shishkebab impaled on the end of a stick" as he's lured, caught, gutted, marinated, fileted. chewed up, swallowed, digested, and "shat out" by the natives like white, doughy, gratifying material to their saucy Latin American ways that knows "a foreign sucker" when they see one.
A Quotation Appears:
"Go with God, my friend,
and keep looking over your shoulder"-- Banana Republic military proverb
SCENE OPENS to an AMERICAN FLAG nailed up in an auditorium like a tapestry, akin to the opening moments of "Patton" when George C. Scott goes into his big speech before the men, laying out the bare facts of war as a gallant 4-star general.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE (V.O.)
"Heaven knows, I never meant any of this to happen. My intentions were good, but of course people will not accept that as an excuse if they ever learn the full truth about me-- these last two years of madness. For example, I can imagine my wealthy parents back in the exalted neighborhood taking down my portrait and stowing it in the attic beside that of Captain Josiah Goodpasture, "the black sheep" of the family who not only turned pirate a couple of hundred years ago but also, worse yet, lost money at it.
You got to think, in Washington, D.C, my name would be erased from the good graces of "The Peace Corps" service organization. And, in any future discussion of Aaron Burr and Benedict Arnold and the Chicago Black Sox, people might lower their voices and say, "Then there was Arthur Peabody Goodpasture. . . . .'
A sound effect enters in the background, the revolutionary guard yelling "VIVA!".
SCENE CHANGES
ENTER "Early 1960's Montage" along with THE OPENING CREDITS. There is black and white archive footage of President Kennedy giving his speech about service and optimism and sending men to the moon before the end of the decade, Next, well-scrubbed young men and women standing around in Third World villages, helping the natives with "can-do" attitude. Everyone has a smile on their face as "good government" does its job and "everything makes sense".
As the credits continue, the decade progresses into bleeding, grainy color of Peace Corps footage and revolutionary movements around the world, orators firing off with radical passion that breaks away from the world of "kitchen-table diplomacy" that thinks you can "hand out pens embossed with the Presidential seal" to simpletons in grass-skirts. Here are angry, non-white mobs in the street-- not content with the Western vision and the Yankee's double-dealing.
Next is archive footage of the U.S.S.R. and the space program and the military-industrial complex-- if not clips of various personalities from "Dr. Strangelove" trying to cope with the madness of the world "on the brink". This is the world of rotating radio towers, collecting up-to-the-minute information even as the assumptions that underlie the world grow ever more precarious. . . . .
These titanic forces that make up the zeitgeist of the era will contrast with the utter clueless nature of our hero, born impeccable but slow and bumbling and somewhat nearsighted as he bumps around, trying to do what's right, trailing his finger over the manual "exactly as stated".
As OUR HERO speaks, show a canted "bird's eye view" of a rocket slowly blasting off from a NASA launch-pad as a visual statement of "Cold War" achievement, no matter how lop-sided and off-base.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE (V.O.)
Unfortunately I am-- or at least was-- Arthur Peabody Goodpasture. I can hardly explain this, wandering around "in culture shock"" at my present situation. To get to where I am, or was, you must understand that there has always been a touch of ruthlessness in my nature--
FADE IN
EXT. San Marcos Beach, Day (Mid-Morning)
A view of the ocean as seen from the port of a small Caribbean island, the general locale where the movie will take place.
SCENE CHANGES
EXT. Ocean Liner at Sea, Day
A beat-up old ship, third-class, steams across the ocean with this sweeping helicopter shot that revolves around the vessel with the glint of the sun off the waters. It might as well be carrying tires or auto parts, for the short shrift of travel accommodations they give to the young and idealistic.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
(V.O.)
(In formal, impeccable English)
"People used to say I was the sort of person who wouldn't even harm a fly, but they were wrong. I am ready at a moment's notice to harm the Mediterranean fruit fly. I will swat a house fly as quickly as anyone, and perhaps more quickly than most people, because my reflexes are very fast. Anyone who reads the thesis I wrote for my Master's degree in Agriculture will note how ruthlessly I demolished the long-accepted ideas on tsigtaoka, the leaf-spot disease of bananas. Possibly the idea that I would not harm a fly resulted from my well-known liking for the 3,000 American species of the icheneumon fly and the 1,400 species of tachnid fly, all of which--"
Off-screen, a hot, saucy woman's voice hisses "Oh, shut up!" in a purring Spanish accent.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
But that would be getting ahead of myself!
SCENE CHANGES
EXT. San Marcos Port, Day (View from Ocean, looking in on the City of Puerto Grande)
Here is a chaotic, ramshackle port city where seagulls flap around, gliding in circles for trash and dead fish. Palm trees and purple mountains rise in the background, a polluted haze.
NARRATION CONTINUES:
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE (V.O.)
My assignment took me to San Marcos, the lone volunteer to help this unfortunate island-country whose peasants or campensinos were noted for their ability to make a dozen plants grow where two dozen grew previously. I would help them grow bananas and improve their downtrodden standard of living as a bright-eyed, idealistic young American.
INT. Ship's Bunk, Day
Our hero lays on his bed with his legs raised in an arch, dressed in shorts and sandals and reading a map. HIS LUGGAGE is piled up in this blue room with a "life-saver" hanging on the wall. The feeling is very "1962".
There is a knock on the door, and OUR HERO turns his head toward the sound.
The black steward, dressed up like a combination between a waiter and a bell-hop, hangs his head through the door.
THE STEWARD
Better keep a sharp eye on this stuff when you land, sir,
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
Really, why?
THE STEWARD
Because them San Marcans is the worst thieves in the Caribbean!
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
It is probably because they are an underprivileged people.
THE STEWARD
Well, sir, I don't know what underprivileged means, but if it means underhanded, you got it right. Before you get done saying hello to one of them Puerto Grande babes, the gold fillings is gone from your teeth.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
I have usually found that trust begets trust. Do unto others, you know.
THE STEWARD
Yes sir. And with them San Marcans, do it to them first. See you on deck, sir.
EXT: San Marcan Port, Day
A GANG-PLANK is lowered down onto the dock.
Next to the rising and falling bow is greenish water full of floating orange peels, old crates, dead fish, empty cans, and oil slicks that shine with an irridescent rainbow.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE follows A PORTER down onto the dock, carrying his luggage. OUR HERO is looking around somewhat clueless, a bit nearsightedly, with a camera around his neck-- blinking at the brightness of the tropical sun.
A HAND pulls at his sleeve. Turning around, he beholds a vile little 11 year-old STREET URCHIN in rags, half-sneaking out from behind a pile of sugar-bags to expose himself more fully.
THE KID
(Who will later
figure into
this story as a boy named Pepe)
Senor, you want peecture took? You and big sheep you come on, yes?
OUR HERO looks down at THE BOY, and speaks a bit high-handedly-- inflated with the high purpose of "helping the downtrodden" like a knight in shining armor (-- or Don Quixote making a speech, even!).
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
That is a good idea. I'm from the Peace Corps, here to help the unfortunate, a beacon of hope and light in the developing world. Do you know how to operate this camera?
THE KID (Pepe)
Ah, how generous is the Senor! On behalf of the people of San Marcos, may I say we are honored that a turista has gone through so much trouble to visit our poor shores.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
Thank you. It is a tribute to your fine country. You understand the operation of this camera?
THE KID (Pepe)
Ah yes, Senor. An excellent camera. One that, when new, sells for three hundred eighty pesos. Perhaps the Senor would like a peecture or two showing him at the foot of the gangway?
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
That will be fine, And, if possible, try to get the name of the ship in the background. . . . .
OUR HERO returns to the gangway, turns around, straightens his shoulders, and puts on a smile-- grinning like a mule.
But alas, the next scene captures THE BOY running away with THE CAMERA throughout the piles of freight, his form retreating hastily as he leaps for freedom over small obstacles and turns into a speck off in the distance.
OUR HERO continues to smile on expectantly.
Bystanders are walking past, looking at him funny-- a lone man posing for a photographer who isn't there. The ship's name looms behind him: christened "The U.S.S. Suckerfish".
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE (V.O.)
After quite a while I was forced to conclude that the boy had run away with my camera. I was quite upset; it was sad to think of a boy so young burdened with such feelings of guilt!
OUR HERO shrugs and walks on with a bland expression towards the CUSTOMS BUILDING. Before he gets far, there is the sound of an ugly ruckus-- a man yelling in English and a kid swearing in Spanish with a firecracker of frenzied curse words. It turns out to be THE PURSER of the ship and THE BOY who stole THE CAMERA, wriggling in the iron grip of retributive justice.
OUR HERO walks over and intervenes:
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
Good morning. Does there seem to be some trouble?
THE PURSER
(Struggling
angrily with world-weariness)
I caught this kid running off with somebody's camera. Of course he won't admit anything, they never do. . . . .
THE BOY looks at OUR HERO with bright, angry eyes of panic-- like a weasel in a henhouse with a flashlight shined in its eyes. Caught in the act, red-handed.
OUR HERO squints his eyes and nods once, as if they're talking "in code".
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
You did not really mean to go off with my camera, did you?
THE KID (Pepe)
(Crying with
mock bathos)
Senor, how could one conceive such a thing?! I was merely coming here to climb these boxes and, once at the top, take excellent photos of the Senor!
OUR HERO looks at the purser and apologetically explains that "It's my camera".
THE PURSER
Lucky you. Well, there's no use turning the little bastard over to the Guardia. They'll let him go, the town's too full of street brats to worry about this one. So you just take your camera and I'll run the kid to the gate and kick him in the pants.
[-- looks down with disgust]
If I can find enough pants to kick!
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
Let him go.
[-- putting his hand on the PURSER'S ARM with enlightened kindness]
He didn't steal the camera. He was going to climb these boxes and take a shot of me with the ship in the background,
As OUR HERO gestures, there is a brisk shot of the "U.S.S. Suckerfish" groaning in the harbor, the grimy name standing out like a statement that contrasts "enlightened principles" with the ways of the world.
THE PURSER shrugs gruffly, as if this reasoning goes against "his better judgment".
THE PURSER
All right sir. Keep a hand on your wallet, and make sure he doesn't cut the strap of your wrist watch.
THE PURSER leaves, now it's just OUR HERO and THE BOY.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
The officer from the ship regrets any inconvenience that he caused you.
THE KID (Pepe)
A thousand thanks, Senor. When accused of theft I was sick at heart. You see, I was trying to climb these boxes and--
OUR HERO puts his hand on THE BOY'S shoulder.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
Yes, yes. I understand.
THE KID (Pepe)
What delayed me, Senor, was the problem of holding the camera in one hand while trying to climb. If you had thought to lend me the carrying case, I would have had both hands free to climb, and the peectures would have been taken long ago!
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE
I should have thought of that myself.
OUR HERO unslings THE CASE and gives it to THE BOY.
THE KID (Pepe)
Senor, your arrival in Puerto Grande has made this a glorious day for me. Now if you will turn around and walk over there while I climb up these boxes. . . . .
OUR HERO turns around and once again returns to the gangway. As he does so, he hears the cry of "Ariba, Ariba! Andale, Andale!", and looks over his shoulder to see a puff of dust where THE BOY was once standing.
As the narration overlays, OUR HERO looks around the boxes, scratching his head-- wondering where the boy went.
ARTHUR PEABODY GOODPASTURE (V.O.)
Evidently, the boy had vanished with my camera. But I suppose, at least, in a way that was outside the little white printed manual we members of the Peace Corps carried with us, I had helped a resident of a less fortunate country improve his standard of living. . . . .
FADE OUT
Click here for Part II:
"No
One's Son-of-a-Bitch"
(Back to the "Don Quixote U.S.A." Index)
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