"Galaxy Michael" Revisited (Index)

Don Quixote U.S.A.

A treatment plus two completed chapters!

Summary

A naive American Peace Corps volunteer, ethical and blockheaded and singleminded to the point of near-sighted oblivion, finds himself played as a pawn between generalisimos and Che Gueverra's on a small Central American island nation in this "1960's-type banana revolution farce". But with his Boy Scout teachings and "do no wrong" principles, he leads a band of mountain guerillas to increasing success against a regime of comical right-wing tyrants. A screwball comedy of intrigue, based on the work of a long-out-of-print book that came out in 1966. Probably no one read the book except the author's mother, and I found it on the sale table at the county library for 25¢. But don't be fooled! An instant classic of bargain-basement derangement!

Part 1: Intro: "Through the Eyes of a Child"

The world is a very complicated place, and whatever the thrust of modernism and the titanic push of do-gooder American intervention around the world, native peoples may not necessarily want to be a part of "Uncle Sam", much less his well-scrubbed representatives with the attitude, "we're from the government and we're here to help you". In the zeitgeist, the assumptions of modernism-- or that "there is only one answer"-- is beginning to become strained to the breaking point. Into this picture comes Arthur Peabody Goodpasture, a man determined to follow the highest principles of third world development as exactly stated in the manual and presented by the liberal establishment. He refuses to believe anything negative about his surroundings, about negative feedback, about what anybody tells him, and when the ship is dropped off into port a young thief fools him not once, but twice into our hero handing over his camera. Our hero figures out that in a tragic way, at an Americano's expense, he has improved the living standard of at least one islander before sadly walking on.

Part II: "No One's Son-of-a-Bitch"

Arthur Peabody Goodpasture checks his bags at "Customs" but gets his wallet and papers stolen by a dishonest clerk who fools him into looking the other way then accepts a bribe for robbing him. He gives our hero the advice that "eet's a jungle out there, and that you should stay close to town like the burro", and wouldn't you know but a burro is hanging its head through the door. Arthur Peabody Goodpasture meets a hardened, cynical member of the U.S. Legation who fills him in on the state of this miserable, tin-horn fascist country run by a generalisimo. There's some intrigue, when the ambassador asks about our hero's classification, hoping he would be 007 like James Bond, "just to make things interesting". They make their way to a rotten, imposing fortress where para-military men do sloppy drills and meet the supreme leader, a comical tyrant. He is convinced that our hero has brought weapons to stamp out the leftist guerillas, and is not a member of a civilian organization. Goodpasture disappoints, and the generalismo is convinced he's a secret agent because his spies heard them talking about 007 and James Bond. When it becomes apparent that our hero is merely a near-sighted banana farming specialist, he throws a hissy-fit. But his lieutenant whispers in his ear and hatches a plan. They decide that he will be of use after-all and salute him with great laughter.

Part III: "Whutta Bargain"

Arthur Peabody Goodpasture goes shopping in the city square, where everyone is trying to sell him stolen goods. The boy who stole is camera offers to sell it back to him, and our hero maintains the polite fiction that he doesn't know him-- not wanting "to traumatize the lad's sense of guilt". But the lens is missing. The same boy comes back and offers to sell him the lens, acting like he's never seen Goodpasture in his life. He jacks more money out of our hero by maintaining that the currency exchange rate keeps going up & down. The boy offers to be our hero's errand-runner, and Arthur Peabody Goodpasture realizes that it will be a good chance to help turn the boy's life around through fine example of being a bright, upright Peace Corps volunteer. They go back to his hotel room, and the boy runs off with his shaver-- but not before offering to sell him "some risque photographs" he took with the camera. Our hero buys them, then tears them up and throws them in the trash can. The boy leaves, and curiosity overtakes Goodpasture-- the photograph turns out to be an old washerwoman hanging up clothes and a little ten year-old girl sticking out her tongue.

Part IV: "Dirt Poor"

Our hero and the boy drive to a needy village, getting lost with the horrible directions. Life is feeble and miserable and chicken-scratched but Goodpasture is forever the optimist. The villagers fear Los Descaslez, or "the barefoot guerillas". The reality of the world is driven home when sex is offered-- our hero doesn't take it. His little friend gets into a bunch of fights with the local boys to establish "the pecking order" and is get and bruised. Our hero is shocked when it is revealed that the boy carries a switchblade for "aggressive protection" and goes into a lecture about "good citizenship". The two work out a deal that every time the boy saves Goodpasture's life, that the Peace Corps volunteer will pay him 400 pesos. Then the lieutenant from "The Fortezela" comes by, "like a dragonfly amongst gnats", and impresses his way around. The boy hates the fascist officer, and gets across that when protecting "his mentor"-- silent, snake-like men always wake him up while clumsy men do not. It is established that our hero can be sneaky when he wants to, and can imitate voices-- how useful would this be? The fascist lieutenant is sketching detailed assassination plans involving Goodpasture, when his target walks in. He even stands for a portrait as the officer completes his drawings. Though he doesn't know it, this does not bode well. . . . .

Part V: "For Our Glorious Country!"

Arthur Peabody Goodpasture and his little friend investigate the old, ruined banana plantation on foot, but find out that they've been set up by the fascist officer-- killing our hero and blaming it on the bare-footed revolutionaries will cause international outrage and bring military aid to the San Marcan government whereas they can really wipe out the revolutionaries for good. The fascist officer's men are even dressed up like the revolutionaries to fool any witnesses for the show they plan to put on, but are stopped by unforeseen circumstances when the boy calls out with a revolutionary cry and scares their jittery, incompetent asses. Our hero escapes in a chaos of gunfire, the would be assassins run away, but the boy is missing! He follows the trail on his hands-and-knees like a true boy scout for half-a-mile over rougher and more ominous terrain and eventually stumbles upon THE REAL REVOLUTIONARY camp where they're holding the boy.

Part VI: "Captured & Branded"

Arthur Peabody Goodpasture meets the revolutionaries in a miserable state, along with their grandiose leader who bears a strange likeness to our hero. They debate what to do with him as he talks, unclear whether or not he is insulting them or is too stupid to know what kind of deep shit he is in. The boy explains that he truly is dumb, that he is certainly no spy and that he calls him "El Stupido" and that he had cut his watch band with his switch-blade. The watch turns out to be in our hero's pocket, which he found while looking for the boy. The leader wonders if Goodpasture can be of any use and challenges him to a game of Indian wrestling and knocks our hero flat on his ass. In any case, they decide to tie them up in a hut. They run across a fierce peasant girl, played by Winona Ryder, who spits in contempt at the cadre's worsened condition because they can't even put food on the table. Now they have two more mouths to feed. As Goodpasture and the boy sweat there in the hut, the kid says that he really refers to him as "El Stupendo" for stupendous, and a whole bunch of clever excuses. Our hero buys it. . . . .

Part VII: "Making Oneself Useful"

In his own screwy way, without intending to, our hero seduces the revolutionary girl by refusing to be seduced. She cuts their ropes, and the boy manages to steal a hand grenade from a sleeping guard. They run down to the sea shore, and realize that they have nowhere to go. Boy, they sure are hungry. Goodpasture announces that there is food everywhere, and there is no reason to be hungry if the island inhabitants just learn how to fish. The boy throws the grenade into the ocean and blows up some fish; DINNER IS SERVED! They win the hearts and minds of the band, to the anger of the leader, and every time the second-in-command blows on a whistle they appear silently on-the-ready. The leader runs his weekly radio address, becoming so impassioned that he goes overtime and he and his second-in-command are fighting over the microphone and cause the table to collapse. Arthur Peabody Goodpasture picks up the microphone and closes out the broadcast, mimicking both their voices perfectly. To think they might have had him shot! But bad news comes in when an announcement is broadcast over the radio that the fascist government claims Goodpasture has been killed and that the U.S. will send in intervention.

Part VIII: "American Sabotage"

Arthur Peabody Goodpasture teaches the men fishing, but they don't have much of a work ethic. One thing to do is to teach them team-work. . . . . and competition. . . . . but they nearly claw each other apart while learning "how to work together" and our hero inadvertently needs to play human nature off against itself in order to get any kind of progress. They need a net, so they run over and yank it off the plane that is used to scatter literature over the indifferent city. Meanwhile, a Russian advisor comes in and does an audit of Los Descalez's revolutionary movement, wondering if he should fund them. Our hero is led to believe he's a Swiss banker funding agrarian reform, but the Russian keeps marking down demerits for each so-called "improvement" Goodpasture has brought to the cadre which completely flies in the face of communist ideology, if not the leader's personal control. The final straw comes when the generalismo's air force strafes the exposed plane and reduces it to inflamed wreckage. "The Swiss Advisor" departs and Goodpasture is somewhat relieved, because he would not want a neutral country to get involved in Cold War intrigue.

Part IX: "Trap-Door Politics"

Our hero teaches the revolutionaries how to plant bananas, and pretty soon they have their own food co-op going with the local villages. They get the boy to be the go-between, the hook being that "it's a black market". The revolutionary leadership is despondent and frustrated and can't see what they're going to do. They need money, and hatch a plan to set our hero up and trade him in to the local governor for 20,000 in pesos in order to embarrass the generalismo's lieutenant, who has since been promoted. The revolutionary girl is upset, because our hero does not sense what is going on. When he brings her a gift, she runs away and he doesn't understand why. He thinks it's because it's part of the same animal magnetism that guys boast about when they come back from foreign countries but don't work on American girls because "they know them too well" and "the polarity is somehow reversed".

Part X: "Arthur Bunyan & Pecos Pepe"

Winona Ryderez, the curiously pale-skinned Latin Revolutionary, alerts our hero and the boy in the bushes and tells them not to turn themselves in at the check point, but to go hiding in town instead. Rather than take this fine elfin beauty's advice, they go right through the check-point and startle the incompetent military who are fearful; and quite on edge in a series of screwball mishaps. As they go from check point to check point, the story grows "who this mighty man is" until he is of greatly-exaggerated "tall tale" proportions, mainly to hide their own dinky banana republic embarrassment. Our hero simply walks into the government building to meet the governor who is reading the bad news of "this one-man army" making his way toward the town and gradually figures out who is standing before him with great comedic fright. Goodpasture removes the pin from a hand grenade, which he believes to be a fake, and bluffs the governor into giving him 40,000 pesos worth of farming & military equipment while even personally driving the truck back into revolutionary territory, waving at the men and praying to God that our hero doesn't let go of the grenade. Arthur Peabody Goodpasture thinks he did a pretty good job "bluffing" his way through. However, he throws it off in the bushes and it explodes, knocking down a tree that falls over and crushes the truck. Now that was smart. . . . .

Part XI: "The Law of the Jungle"

The revolutionary leader becomes so jealous at the success our hapless hero brings to the movement, that he wants to edge him out for good. Goodpasture talks about the need for democracy, and the leader plays it to his own advantage-- the idea that he will run unopposed. But there has to be two candidates, even if our hero urges everyone to vote for the old leader. The old leader makes a sweeping, three hour speech while our hero only goes on for one minute. But everyone votes for Goodpasture. The old leader wants to settle it with "Indian wrestling" but our hero is in better shape from all the Boy Scout exercises and fruit farming. Finally the old leader chases him through the jungle with a machete, Arthur Peabody Goodpasture trying to calm him down over his shoulder, but eventually his assailant passes out from heat exhaustion. Our hero carries him back into camp as the new leader to everyone's revolutionary cheers.

Part XII: "Bait & Switch"

Though Arthur Peabody Goodpasture won the election, the camp will follow the tradition of San Marcos and ignore the popular results with a shrug. The old leader attempts to set our hero up and take him into town, dressing him in the way he always dresses so he will be captured and gotten rid of. However, the townspeople warn our hero, who they mistake to be the leader, that he is being followed. Our hero tries to warn the old leader, in a disguise, and a donkey keeps braying over and over. They both take off running, but the police capture the old leader after a sad struggle and haul him off to jail. Goodpasture tries to sneak in and rescue him, bumbling around and scaring the bejesus out of the night watchmen who think he is the leader escaped from his cell. But that's impossible, because the leader is tied up in a chair with his beard shaved off, having been tortured. Our hero sets him loose, he stumbles out, and Goodpasture sits in the chair and covers himself with the sheet. The guards notice the door is open, investigate, lift the sheet, and shriek when they see who they think is the old leader with a beard, hat, and bayonet. Our hero tries to escape, but the fascist top officer from the beginning gets the drop on him and with charming Latin etiquette and chivalry, figures that Goodpasture is worth more to him alive than dead because the officer keeps getting promoted. He gives our hero the keys to a truck, and sends him a safe "farewell" out of town where he finds the old leader in his underwear hopping up & down on the side of the road.

Part XIII: "This was your LIFE"

Because beards are a sign of virility and now the old leader doesn't have one, Arthur Peabody Goodpasture is required to impersonate him-- not just for the revolutionary cadre, but for the photographer from LIFE magazine who turns out to be a woman Goodpasture knows back in The United States. He poses, puffs out his chest, acts mighty, and plays up the heroism of his alter-ego who both sides have to pretend is dead for the sake of convenience, even leading her to "Arthur's Tombstone". The old Arthur is rapidly disappearing, and the journalist falls for his romantic spell. However, Winona Ryderez is jealous and does everything she can to sabotage this two-night stand. Eventually there's some confusion of who he actually laid in the hut the night before-- the American journalist won't talk to him and looks like she's been thrown down a cliff while Winona Ryderez ain't talkin'.

Part XIV: "To Your Health. . . . ."

The old leader grows increasingly alcoholic and despondent, and "accidents" increase around the camp that narrowly miss taking Arthur Peabody Goodpasture from this realm of existence. A plot is hatched, when a Russian freighter comes to port in order to trade guns for bananas and abduct someone's problem. Goodpasture doesn't want guns, meaning to run a peaceful agrarian revolution, but somehow misses the point among these bad, bad men. The Russian captain sits down with a drink with the old leader and our hero, and start toasting to each others' health at sunset. Arthur is not much of a drinker, and keeps tossing his liquid over his shoulder. With the lantern going out and our hero switching around glasses, and his two companions getting so stinking drunk they can't think straight, Goodpasture accidentally fools the Russians into abducting the wrong man and taking him on a long voyage to which he will never return. Now the revolution is entirely in his hands, and in no others'.

Part XV: "'The Alternative' to 'The Alternative'"

Arthur Peabody Goodpasture wakes up one morning to find the camp eerily empty. The day of violent revolution has been planned all of this time, intricately, detail by detail and he had never known. . . . . until now. It is on an inevitable course, without recall, but he must stop it! He loads up in the van with the boy and Winona Ryderez and speeds down to the capitol in a jeep covered in bunting, even though it is almost certain that he will be executed. But the government soldiers dodge out of the way and begin following him-- as if to join the revolution! Check point after check point, the caravan keeps growing and growing until he has half the army on his side. Meeting him at the foot of the capitol is the chief fascist officer, with the other half of the army. They bicker cleverly, wondering who should "throw in the towel". Arthur Peabody Goodpasture doesn't want bloodshed. But the officer holds the chain of command because the generalismo fled the country and can have him shot on command. But then the revolutionary soldiers charge into town, and Goodpasture is declared El Presidente!

Part XVI: "El Merry-go-Round"

Arthur Peabody Goodpasture sits in the generalismo's old office, reenacting the same, practical policies of his ruthless predecessors in order to consolidate his grip-on-power. It's all tongue-in-cheek, as the boy and Winona Ryderez serve as his special deputies, sitting at the very desk of tyrants. He goes out in a uniform and attends parades in his honor, laying down a wreath at the foot of an Arthur Peabody Goodpasture monument. He concludes to himself that though he will miss that American idealist, he sure was stupid.

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