"Message to the Media" (If Any)

"Gonna Fly Now"

I came from a household in which guilt and avoidance seethed, yet wrapped itself in a mutually-addicting, enabling, and destructive web of grand, exalted statements, flaky obliviousness, and quiet corruption whose debts would always be collected in a flurry of quarreling. Perhaps that was the prerogative of my Jewish half, or merely the antsiness of sheltered upper middle-class anxiety, generally "more liberal" than not in a community based on "the magical abstracts" of college degrees, "the fool's gold" of elite corporate beneficence, and "the good feeling" of emotional truths perhaps "more personally-validating than wise". Folks could apparently fly on this ether, lost to their own impulsivity and falling "to dark accidents" to which they would pick themselves back up "and soar anew", perhaps having learned nothing except for the essential meaninglessness and tragedy of life they would confess over coffee or dinner with wide, shocked eyes for the pathos of mortality and existence "as a burning wick".

The reality and validity of this existence-- plus the rewards-- would only be true so long as you had wings to catch the trade winds "of this currency". But unfortunately, I was a very different creature than most. Folks would "describe something"-- I would arrive and it would not be there, or in a way I could understand. Their operational definition "of moving through the world" was very different than mine, and I would do my best to understand-- but would oftentimes be more baffled, or confused-- and then when I would try to creatively piece it together and improvise "some kind of context", I would get into trouble and they would only "shake their head", or think I wasn't very bright.

My wings weren't equipped for the winds of their world. . . . . many worlds, in fact-- wherever I went. . . . . and countless legions "made me feel awful about myself" when adolescence is already a time of guilt, shame, turmoil, and a desire "for urgent conformity"-- even when a creed of nonconformity is preached in the youth entertainment media with dark, controversial imagery because certainly money and "THE CORRECT" form of artistic freedom "go hand-in-hand".

I could not "fly". . . . . and because of underdeveloped, slightly-misshapen wings that would not and could not "get stronger" so long as everyone was "in denial" over the problem, I suffered horribly. . . . . when your performance is objectively "off", and because of this your lack of confidence only attracts "the wrong kind of attention" in a self-perpetuating cycle that eventually leaves you pinched dry and squeezed down into the worst kind of social and emotional poverty.

You leave. . . . .

And then the adults-- swooping about with their wings in a windy, blustery world of less-than-solid abstracts-- start trying to bully you with "their version of truth"-- using "guilt", "shame", "threats", "ultimate statements", and "worst-case scenarios" which won't do you any good because they don't know "that you're already doomed". They use it as a form of coercion, with "bad feeling" which is certainly "no incentive" for someone already down in such darkness.

In fact, essentially-- their whole world is "darkness". Sheltered, avoidant lies that only grow more putrescent as society decays with abundance and comfort and candied dishonesty whose ultimate realization is rotten, wormy truths. A savage irony-- or violence, maybe-- the weapons of the oppressed. That was my approach for a while.

Truth-telling can be a form of coercion. . . . . and truth hurts, especially "when it's funny". And dumping so much "guilt" and "bad feeling" on to someone is the surest way to make them "withdraw", or even "shut-down". Over time, such self-serious displays become "far less effective", even "laughable" once you see the corruption behind it, how these tactics are used dishonestly in our culture like a bogus "spell". There is a way to charm, to lead, to give some kind "of incentive" to improve your game "and become a better".

My old Jewish mother once mentioned "that you'd put in all this work, go through all this effort for a girl like Winona but you wouldn't do it for your old mother!"

Well, ole' Winona never "nagged as much", wherever she might be. . . . .

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Another thing I wanted to share is a memory I have way, way back of a teacher I had when I was young-- 9 years-old or thereabouts-- in the third grade. Call her "Ms. Z", a bright, friendly, joyous, enthusiastic, vivacious red-head of an educator who gave you that feeling, "all is well". As you clung to her hip and gave her a hug (-- if you were "MAN" enough to do so) you had the sense that she was the best of what America was about, what patriotism came down to, why we fought for home n' country & honor "and all that jazz". . . . . whatever the cynical, sheepish neigh-saying like the low-down "slings n' arrows" of the playground that certainly hurt, but yet one didn't "quite believe 100%" with their rotten, wormy motivations and thieving pessimism. There were "good times" back then spanning those years of childhood, super-imposed upon the relatively mild, if not comparatively "tame" unwinding tapestry of homeroom-shaking events. There was abundant 10,000 calorie joyousness "in rare spurts", the impish snatch of subversive cynicism, and yet a subcurrent of pathos and grimness for many things, particularly for two brothers traveling "on the nonstandard side of life". Whether you've seen mental illness in other poor souls, marginality, or have taken rumbling excursions as you've driven "on the wrong side of the tracks for a while", and witnessed the idle dreams and fancies of folks apparently "born on the wrong side of history", or at least definitely not a part "of an upbeat marketing segment" that only trades in "magical slips of paper", if not high-handed ideas amongst itself-- you've seen a place "where time has no meaning" as chances grow slimmer. Don't forget about them-- nor the true meaning "of hope & change". . . . .

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"The Neoconservative Urge to Fight"
(-- And where it comes from)

Let me tell you a story.

In my prosperous community full of swirling emotion "and plenty of blow-hard's", there was yet a dark undercurrent of many things that went on that either they didn't acknowledge, or particularly notice, or peered at for a moment before going back to whatever distraction appealed to "their fancy". Yet we kids out here were "very sheltered"-- and inside this condition, this could bring out a lot of "bad behavior"-- particularly when it teamed up with "the poor & black" for 10X the mischief. Objectively, that sunken state of evil and mischief exists in the world but being part and the same of that sheltered community would A) encourage its hangdog emergence; and B) remember that evil will always make a more profound impression "than good", particularly if we're already somewhat nervous and scared kids "who are overly-sheltered". And this can be made "WORSE" once these hooligans figure out that their "bad behavior" is having "an effect" on you, in which case they ramp up THE GRUESOMENESS of their "Halloween mask"-- and get you TO THINK that they're far more fearsome & imposing than THEY REALLY ARE.

So oftentimes, we may spend our gung-ho adult lives "fighting the ghosts of the past", striking out at the fears, humiliations, nightmares, and embarrassments "of something that was largely in our imaginations" as very bright, motivated, neurotic types who tend to fall to the intellectual poison "of over-abstraction" that overshoots the mark "by building too high" and not being in touch "with the fundamental reality" on the ground. Remember that the forces of light, truth, assertiveness, courage, and righteousness is STRONGER than evil, and readily "chases off those punks"-- for cruelty is the whip of cowards, and it drops from their hand as they flee, "UNMASKED" before a real man and not someone hiding behind some kind of "Charles Bronson" neoconservative fantasy that only "avoids the issue" of what so many of us cannot do, because no one ever taught us how. . . . . If the Jewish condition is inherently about "being a nut-ball", at least we can be graceful about it and not rationalize our shortcomings through endless avoidance, falling prey-- oftentimes-- to our own rickety "mind disease" because of the freedom we don't exercise "to be strong".

On to Old Questions Here