inona
Ryder never starred in movies for which I had any **NATURAL** interest in as
someone the film demographers would consider "hopeless" and "irrelevant".
Scratch that. There's always "Beetlejuice", but that's me waving a racing flag
in the stands for a screwball comedy that came out 20 years ago-- like a geek in
a foam hat holding up one of those giant "NUMBER 1" foam fingers. Other than
that, Winona's movies have been a completely acquired taste-- like for certain
French cheeses that smell like something a finicky cat squatted down and pissed on. But one holds their nose and affects
sophistication, even though in his heart of hearts he wants to unpeel slices of
American cheese and quit pretending to be the sensitive gourmet he definitely
isn't. To me, cinema has always been about soda and popcorn-- not
champagne and brie. And let it be "Cousin Willie's Microwave Popcorn",
WITH EXTRA GREASE.
There was always something patently absurd about
Winona Ryder on the screen. That breathy urgency, a somber self-importance that
would make the world stop by the sheer force of her personality, though out here
in the Midwestern heartland she may as well be glaring at a horse's ass and expecting to
move the beast along with the power of telekenesis. Well, that horse backs up
and starts emptying its bowels, and there's your cosmic opinion.
I suppose her seductive appeal is you want to kick
in the screen, go out into the night, and save her when she once again falls
into some kind of emotional sinkhole of ennui. But someone outside the spell would roll their eyes and ask, "where's the beef?". And that's what
I'm asking myself as I become less and less like a lovesick teenager
moonlighting like a lowing calf and more
like a bemused old cooper who's seen the damnnest things in his day,
and certainly not up on a movie screen.
If I ever thought Winona and I could make
beautiful music together, here is "an artist's conception" of myself
stamping' and growlin' into the microphone like my hero, Scott H. Biram. . . . .
waitin' for his check from the devil to clear like so much low-down,
snake-bellied sin.
PROLOGUE
"The
Boy Raids the Kitchen. . . . ."--
Late '80s "Comfort Food" on television, for a snail-eyed slug of a boy needing
inspiration! (¶)
"The
Castle is Under Siege!"--
The awful truth about grandiosity, pomposity, and "lost" royal lineage! (¶)
"The
Fall of '99"-- A brief,
humorous snapshot of what life looked like before I started my writing career in
earnest! (¶)
"'Dear
Winona'. . . . . The Original Fan-Mail from 1999"--
Heaven forbid, what started it all a decade ago! (¶)
"Magical
Mystery Limousine"--
What happens to Winona's fan-mails? What becomes of her fans? Speculation
abounds!(¶)
"A
Gallery of Winona's Boyfriends"--
Sharpen the darts I say, and hell takes the hindmost in this race! (¶)
Part 1: "Satan's Circus"
The stink vapors rise up from the city like
a charnel house!
"Catholic
Ghetto"-- The cult around "The
Rocky Horror Picture Show" brings it all home! (¶)
"I Am
the Wad"-- Some folks are slick,
others "gum up" the works like a god-damned clog in the drain! (¶)
"Operation
Wolf"-- 1980's Video Gaming comes
full circle and in this version, the corpses don't blink! (¶)
"Uncle Jim"-- Meet the sour, stumpy gnome of the backwoods; he's certainly grubbin' around back there somewheres! (¶)
"Big
Lots: Minimum Wage Hell"-- It's the lowest circle of working hell in a close-out retail store! (¶)
"Adventures in Agitation"-- Finding myself roped into the Trotsykist 4th International & the Anti-War Movement to my semi-Chagrin! (¶)
"Kooks, Creeps and Ron Paul
Partisans (A Campaign with True Believers)"--
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!(¶)
"Scuzzy-Town"-- The whore known as St. Louis city is even sleazier than I am!
Details certainly to follow. . . . .(¶)
Part 2: "Holden Caulfield didn't bet on this. . . . ."
or why J.D. Salinger would have jumped into
the Mississippi with a shriek
"Oh, come now!"
"So
Come on. . . . . Jump in The Fire! (One Shot Only)"--
Beavis n' Butthead revelry, Ninja arcade games, and seeking "The Ultimate
Reality"!(¶)
"The Searing Eyes of Vedder"-- The show-stopper on this website, the exploration of a 13 year-old's existential crisis during the ulcerating summer of '94!
(¶)
"Risky
Fashion"--
Hip, mid-'90s marketing takes a casualty from the impressionable,
spawning a Johnny Depp imitator who fails miserably!(¶)
"Blood
of the Martyrs"--
Being reasonable, we must realize that most cases of martyrdom are quite
self-imposed and useless!(¶)
"Alfonso"-- Biology
class, breathy MTV polemics, and dead bats stretched out gruesomely in
jars of formaldehyde is enough to get you thinking about freedom!
(¶)
"San
Francisco on the Mississippi ("Flake City" & The Rickety Hordes)-- Where
truly the snake eats its own tail!(¶)
"Podunk Gravy"-- Life revealed for its stripped-down, simple truths to the horror of a young romantic! (¶)
"Dawson
City Dreams"-- How do you burn down
to the gold of your soul in a society made out of jelly? Speculation right here! (¶)
"Strange
Currencies"--
The poker game of the materialist illusions that make up our lives, causing us
to risk, cower, or gamble it all! (¶)
"Patriotism,
Lies, & 8 A.M. Coffee"-- Tales of a young Republican "hatchet-boy" & "true
believer" recalled through the projector of nose-blowing hindsight!(¶)
"Coyote
Shithouse"--
Life on the margins, life on the fringe, eating from the rotten guts of a
far-right ideology! (¶)
"Snarling
Lost Times"-- A sinner "too smart for his own good" howls with
despair on the shores of hell!(¶)
Part 3: "Did I ever tell you about the time. . . . ."
Misadventures in the Mental Health System
with Insufferable Company
"Shit on the dick! Let's chase down some mule-deer!"
"The
Kangaroo 'Get-Rich Quick' Scheme According to Mike Hayes"-- There's a BIG
DIFFERENCE between the dream and the delivery! (¶)
"The Screwball Waltz"-- Wacky stories from the heartland about a crew of "Red State" oddballs you never knew existed!(¶)
"We Interrupt This Program to Bring You. . . . ."
The Book my Straggly Buddy Claims Would Climb the New York Times
Best-Seller List, & Make Millions of Dollars From Yet Would Never Get Around
to Write in His Multitudinous Spare Time
(Hey, Someone had to Write It!)
"Thomas
Construction"-- Theology of sales,
jungle of Christmas! (¶)
"Libertarian
Psychosis"-- These people were
always kinda nuts! (¶)
"King
of the Planets"-- Just try escaping
his gravity! (¶)
"Dr.
Phil & The Crazy Seed"--
"Pop
Psychology" undermined! (¶)
"Tech
School"-- Why Mike refuses to watch
"Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure"!(¶)
"Pool
Hustlers"-- A run-in with the
"Satan's Slaves" biker's gang goes horribly wrong! (¶)
"The
Rattlesnake Shake"-- Whirling
ecstatically with a snake gripped in your teeth! (¶)
"Trouble
in Paradise"-- Make Mike's
Day, Clint Eastwood-style! (¶)
"The
Burial"-- Bury your problems before
they bury you! (¶)
"Epilogue"--
All doesn't end well for the likes of Mike! (¶)
(Postscript)
"Some
Problems are TOO BIG for Oprah's Kitchen"-- What can Ms.
Winfrey really say to me, Paul, and Mike starin' at her show and lookin'
ornery?!(¶)
Part 4: "Over & Out of The Rut"
Iron John, Feng Shui, & How to Fix a Sink.
. . . .
"The
Condition"--
The state of Asperger's Syndrome, seen through the always-interesting
lens of someone who lives it!(¶)
"'I Just Wanted to Pet the Deer!' &
Other True Life Mishaps of the Single Man"-- Bag a woman, but don't mount her
head on the wall! (-- your mother-in-law would object)(¶)
"A Very Ari Christmas"--
A better home waits than that of "The Queen of Hearts" and some
stripper's ass-crack waving in your face!
(¶)
"Porky Pig vs. The Saber-Toothed Tiger"-- A
truer-than-life allegory of our lovable, stuttering mascot poking fate with a
stick & the carnage that ensued!(¶)
"Chief
Thunderfuck & 'Bad Medicine' (My Friend)"-- The awful side effects of
post-surgery pain-killers will leave you screaming for mercy!(¶)
"License
Vs. Acceptance"-- Some of us may be "mutants", but we can't be
self-indulgent mutants!(¶)
"Chalk
Talk"-- A
rallying cry about life I'd give to my boy at the football game like a
motivational coach!(¶)
"Dubious
Attitudes"-- Here, let men be men where the alcohol flows freely and
the sheep are frightened!(¶)
"Another
Friday Night-- Waiting for a Revelation"--
What should a young person be doing on this fabled evening of frolic?! (¶)
"'Robin Hood'. . . . .
The Jewel Thief & What Counterculture Hath Wrought"--
Why there's nothing sadder than an "aged hippie"!(¶)
"Scraggliness & 'Small Potatoes'"--
The problem of the "lumpen" fringe and mainstream adverseness, as told by me!(¶)
"The
Price of Doing Business"-- A stream-of-conscious meditation of the
consequences that follow a society that never grows up and the harder truths
therein! (¶)
"Hell's Taxi"-- Michael's
Daredevil Drug Binge into Mickey Mouse Children's Medication (He Lived to
tell the tale!)(¶)
"The Unspoken Divide"--
Beyond grandstanding about race & diversity, some simple truths to keep in mind!(¶)
"Compass
of Conformity"-- We all have to "toe the line" somewhat, and listen to an
internal guide that tells us "what makes sense"! (¶)
"Bryant's
Law: A Statement on the Principle of Restlessness & Anarchy"--
Idle hands do the devil's work! (¶)
"The Philosophy of Reputation"--
On your feet or on your knees, but don't let yourself get turned invisible by
the oblivion of time!(¶)
"Cloth and Soul"--
Cut of a mixed cloth, a man struggling to find his own tribe in a fabric store
called "The United States"!(¶)
"Drag
the Waters Some More-- Logical Fallacies in an Age of Confusion"--
A risk-free society is a gain-free society,
stopping the course of evolution! (¶)
"Twin
Hemispheres"-- Left-brained or right-brained? It's really easy to be one, but
quite another to work the other side like a bodybuilder!(¶)
"Why
'Girl, Interrupted' Was Not Helpful"-- The truth must come out about
this dreadful, breathy polemic that doesn't solve anything!(¶)
Now, time for a very inspiring video--
"Beyond the Mat". . . . .
"Pep Talk of the Damned"!
Part 5: Sketches "Mad" Magazine Wouldn't Touch
Alfred E. Neuman's inane grin gets wiped
off his face by Missouri life!
"You elitist cocksuckers make me sick!"
"Lea
Thompson & The Teenage Dolphin"-- Reality smacks my high school French teacher
in the face like a bottle-nosed porpoise!(¶)
"A
Stroll Amongst the Stars"-- Our Lovable Vagabond roves around the rich &
famous and voices his rotten, mush-mouthed opinion! (¶)
"Michael Goes to Hollywood"-- Living in the heart of the corrupt, untenable American fantasy! (¶)
"Emerald Bag O' Chips"-- Tales
of Victorian poverty growing up with our old man that would do Charles Dickens
proud (-- not really!)(¶)
"'Show Me' Jefferson City"--
The politics of ABSOLUTES can get kinda ridiculous through the eyes of a child!(¶)
"The Gospel According to Mr. T"-- There's a force bigger out there than Mr. T, and if you say bankruptcy he'll clobber yo' ass! (¶)
"Twilight
of the Comics"--
The grungy world of comics, televangelism, and "the fast buck" will make
you nauseous!(¶)
"Chinese Democracy. . . . .
The Non-Event of the Century!"--
A record review of Guns N' Roses' legendary "lost album"!(¶)
"Megadeth
Plays The National Anthem"-- Dave Mustaine's "juvenile, angry,
masturbatory guitar-shredding" comes to heel at an MTV-sponsored softball
game!(¶)
"6th Grade Cage"-- Up from the
underground, a cry from the past, language of the mad!
(¶)
"Brothers in Mischief"-- Best friends, Bob and I share a cosmic sense of the absurd!(¶)
"White Man's Catalogs"--
These mailings definitely belong to a certain sector of the population, the
majority-minority of the underbelly!(¶)
"A Zany Survey of Far-Right Gun Culture"-- Brought to you by Murrel Duffy, waiting for the government to repossess the property for back taxes!(¶)
"Modern
Art Gallery"-- The author, in an attempt to be debonair, suave, and sophisticated, takes his date to
a modern show and ends up hee-hawing at the canvasses! (¶)
"Mommy Dearest"-- Our coffee
klatch kevetching corner that will make half-Lutheran sons howl!(¶)
"Call Center Blues: The Death
of a Salesman"--
Telemarketing hell in the scuzziest situation you want to imagine!(¶)
"Corporate
Behemoth"-- A massive piece of joke fiction about the seamy
business
world and the price of one's soul, a nod to our current economic crisis as the
fan widens and the tendrils tighten!(¶)
"Media
Rummy"-- My Donald Rumsfeld-like media professor, a tired old hack, tries
to act like he isn't irrelevant and gives we little bastards "the hard sell"!(¶)
"Star Trek: The Flea Market
Frontier (And Grisly Struggles Over Price, Quality & Tastefulness)"--
My brother gets sucked into the world of Star Trek fandom!(¶)
"Oklahoma Radio Ministry"-- It's
the tale of woebegone 1930's America and a certain vinegary character whom
you might recognize from around these parts! (¶)
"The Continued Mullings of
Buford Christenson"-- The mustached Paladin Press commando deserves an epic
of his own!(¶)
"Danse Macabre"-- The
Halloween and spook industry sure churns out "a lot of nonsense", but here's
what's real in my own words!(¶)
"Seven/Twenty: U-Haul
Quicksand"--
Don't ever move the possessions of the mentally-ill and/or retarded!(¶)
"'Moon Cult' Gutter (Even
Stranger Currencies)"--
Lost in the jungle of social isolation, washed up on the grisly steps of "The
Church of $cientology"!(¶)
"Poking
Fun at Philosophy"-- If economics is "The Dismal Science", then what
praytell is philosophy?! A lighter look. . . . . (¶)
"'It Ain't Dismal to Me!'--
How Economics Adds up"--
A joke primer on "the dismal science" that borrows from "my wilderness
years" drinkin' & whackin' off!(¶)
"Into Thin Air: For What the
World of the Media Elite is Worth"-- Reflections on the media situation as it
relates to "fly-over country"!(¶)
"As They Vote. . . . . So Goes
the Nation"-- Pay attention to my relatives, surely the bellwether of the
country's political climate!(¶)
"9/11 & The Language of
Conspiracy"-- You'll find "the conspiracy theorists" personally stranger
than what actually happened on that fateful day!(¶)
"The Delmar Alternative"--
**EXTRA! EXTRA!** Hold on to your hats folks, it's your hip, neglected, urban
rag mouldering in a bin!(¶)
"'Poster
Children Move Units!' & Other Forehead-Slapping Truths You Ought to Know"--
Don't scoff at the psychology of motivation, even if you're "alt"! (¶)
"The
Divine Fool"-- Just one question-- how do I stack up compared to Johnny, Dave,
Matt, & Blake for sheer foolishness?! (¶)
"Blood
in the Water"--
When there's "the red stuff" floating around, that's when the
sharks, social morays, and race-hustlers move in!(¶)
"Leo Felton & I"--
The piece of our 21st century trans-racial patchwork that liberals & globalists
sweep under the rug while trying to celebrate Barack Obama instead, a man even
crazier than I! (¶)
"''Heathers'
Revisited"--
Isn't about time this cult film, Winona's best-known, was junked and forgotten?! (¶)
Part 6: "The Transmission
Tower Reads You Loud & Clear-- Glide in for a Smooth Landing"
--
"???????????????????????????????????????????????????????"
-- "Did I hit that chord right, in the
House of the Holy?"
"'Delusions of Grandeur': The Concept Album"--
A very basic story about struggle and success, and wondering "if you truly
have it all"!(¶)
"'Get'cher
Ass Offa God's Throne, Little Boy!"--
The boy from the prologue is taught a thing or two by "The Big Guy"!(¶)
"A Traffic Incident &
Meditations on a Higher Power'"--
Tales from the jungle of youthful indiscretion!(¶)
"The Divine Spark"--
See what this is all about! (¶)
"More Than You Ever
Dreamed. . . . ."--
Jimmy loose that "boulder of 21st century ego" & get down here!(¶)
We close with this Video,
"I'm Blind in Texas"--
Don't fly blind here or anywhere else!
(-- And may the Lord All-Mighty take you home!)
*******************
"Yes, Winona. . . . . you will be happy
in St. Louis and my underworld of dirt! I can imagine you right now, your beatific
expression of mellifluous joy and the limpid pools of laughter in your eyes as you
envision
our life together for an eternity! And when I die first of heart failure, you'll
pitch yourself into my open grave!"
"And hell, even if you're not interested-- it was
a lot of fun putting this damn thing together!"
inona
Ryder never starred in movies for which I had any **NATURAL** interest in as
someone the film demographers would consider "hopeless" and "irrelevant".
Scratch that. There's always "Beetlejuice", but that's me waving a racing flag
in the stands for a screwball comedy that came out 20 years ago-- like a geek in
a foam hat holding up one of those giant "NUMBER 1" foam fingers. Other than
that, Winona's movies have been a completely acquired taste-- like for certain
French cheeses that smell like something a finicky cat squatted down and pissed on. But one holds their nose and affects
sophistication, even though in his heart of hearts he wants to unpeel slices of
American cheese and quit pretending to be the sensitive gourmet he definitely
isn't. To me, cinema has always been about soda and popcorn-- not
champagne and brie. And let it be "Cousin Willie's Microwave Popcorn",
WITH EXTRA GREASE.
