"True Grit"

You'd see them in old comic books and in the back of "Boy's Life" magazines, the offer for Captain Olympic and "The Sales Leadership Club". Capitalism at it's dirtiest, it involved tricking little kids into going around  and guilt-tripping neighbors into purchasing overpriced greeting cards, gift-wrapping paper, and peanut brittle. The incentive was "prizes" per items sold, as they gave away cheap goods at bloated values to the little urchins who didn't know the difference. That, or $2 per item as they obscured the ultimate dynamic of Amway futility.

"Fuck the 'huggy-monkey' prize, that's good money!" I figured to myself, stroking my unemployed web author's scruff. So it was, flipping through my old "Conan the Barbarian" comic books in my home office, surrounded by vodka bottles and rejection slips from publishers. There was even a dead possum in there somewheres.

"Save that guy for later", I figured, patting my stomach.

The kit came to my house within a week, and I went hunting for clients. The door kept slamming in my 27 year-old face. Then I thought of my neighbor's kid next door, a little dumpling who rode his bike in circles and spoke in a dreamy, drifting voice at the age of eight years old. Needless to say, he was drafted into the cause. He got a quarter-- I kept the $1.75! We were unstoppable!

"We'll yank you out of school, we'll have you doing this full time!"

"Stay away from my boy," his mother admonished.

"What about your teenaged daughter?"

"I'm callin' the police!"

Oh, oh.