1) Why Winona? Why don't you just post some
**hot pix** of Natalie Portman or Kiera Knightly, give the net what it wants, and quit playing "fiddley-fuck" on the keyboard?"Why not", is the question. It has always been noted in passing that Winona's most fanatical partisans have been nerds, geeks, dweebs, and doofuses into comic books, math, philosophy, poetry, science fiction, and literature. Not a very hardy strain of DNA, kind of like an alien mold growing under a campus radiator, but as persistent as "the human stain" noted in the margins of the great neurotic literature of the 20th century. Winona has always been the idealized embodiment of whom we ourselves want to be, or whom we want to end up with, and perhaps I am the most robust of the fan base yet to step forward and make his bid while also attempting to carve out a niche for himself in Hollywood with his creative dynamo of vitalism that rises out of the petri dish and becomes a man. Better that, than a limp, twitching wreck looking at doctored photos of Audrey Tatou's skimpy ass-crack! Give credit where credit is due. . . . . and recognize that "birds of a feather flock together", though Winona is certainly a high-grade quirk of a girl.
2
) Are you some kind of fat-assed nut who thinks he has a chance in hell?Thank you for asking, my blunt friend.
Why is it when we look at icons of sports, media, entertainment, or business we laud them as heroes for their fanatical drive to succeed while looking at those who may or may not have learned to channel their passions constructively as "a bunch of nuts"? Everyone had to be a nut at one time to dream big and it takes "balls" to make the world go 'round and 'round. Though there is a certain cynical logic of "staying home" and eating baloney sandwiches, you'd have to be nuts to make that the limit of your horizons and the calling of your soul.
That was really quite existentially bracing. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
3
) Your stuff is good. . . . . very good. But I'm kinda squeamish with all the "controversial" content. Are you some kind of extremist?Someone had to throw this firecracker of a question into the ring!
What you have to understand is that what I'm talking about is my version of events, which more often than not mirrors the voice, spoken or unspoken, of a great deal of Americans who don't have a voice, don't know how to assert a voice, are too brow-beaten to get a voice, or in the worst-case scenario gather around a vile, croaking voice way out on the fringe because it's absolutely the only game in town. Repression of these thoughts and feelings only tend to make them worse, making everyone more twisted and neurotic and unhappy no matter how much you try to sugar-coat unpleasant truths or place us all in a putrid McDonaldland play-pen where "we all can't just get along". The media is geared toward serving the institutional interest that "makes the most money", that keeps the machine running the most smoothly and efficiently, and callously ignores the disconnect between the profitable reality they paint and how real Americans live their lives each & every day, oftentimes with greater suffering for the silent in question. All of us belong to "the machine" in some capacity, but I honor my freedom to speak my mind and "call them as I see them". By shining a light on these issues and bringing them "out in the open", we can best face our demons and conquer our fears. Don't like it? Move to Soviet Canuckistan!
4) What was your inspiration in the early days? How did you get started?
originally began as a cheeky fan letter I sent to Winona Ryder in the late fall of 1999 when I was a struggling 18 year-old standing at the crossroads of life, not really sure of what he was going to do with himself. It was like a message in a bottle thrown into the ocean, unsure of if it would ever get to its destination. I began writing as a ludicrous exercise in case that intended recipient of that message-- a consummately unattainable actress-- ever came back to take a look at the wretched boy who wrote it, and my little operation has risen to operatic levels-- like leaving an empty seat open for a resuscitated Andy Kaufman at the 20th anniversary party of the night he "faked" his death. May lightning streak across the sky, may thunder roar and the earth shake and a zombie shuffle through the door but the point is, (s)he won't be coming to dinner."Dear Winona" & Other Stories from St. Louis!
A problem I faced growing up was being ambiguously
"bright" but never really "fitting in" anywhere. I never really felt particularly GOOD at anything. . . . . except for making strange connections that no one else noticed until I pointed them out and everyone "got it" with a snicker. My Dad lived in what I called his "den of bargain-basement derangement" which meant we were surrounded by books, music, and toys from thrift-marts and yard-sales in our filthy, cluttered dwelling. A game he would play was to call my brother and I into the room, point out a ridiculous picture from an old book, and add a caption-- putting it into a context that related to our lives in an offbeat way.
For instance, what we could say about this picture is:
"What Father Thinks of Michael Trying to Get Him to Front $20 for More Winona Ryder Memorabilia".That momentary
"rush" of laughter was great, but unless you could catch it in a bottle it wasn't worth much and didn't translate very far outside our little conclave. I wanted to have as much of "the good stuff" around me as possible, so I began to collect "the best of everything". It didn't matter what it was, but anything less was an insult in my underwhelming life of commonplace youthful disappointment. In my own strange way, it was "champagne taste on a Miller High-Life budget", even if my connoisseurship was questionable. I had "good taste", but just not in sophisticated things. To me, it was always "The American Cheeseburger" just so long as they were good cheeseburgers.
What gave me the idea that
"I can do this" is one day looking down and inadvertently reading the side of a 32 ounce plastic soda cup from QuickTrip that I gripped in my hand while wondering how the hell I was going to make my way in the world. Basically, it was a sheet of clever jokes, visual puns, multiple choice, and random quips that wrapped around in a circle, printed directly on the plastic and frozen in glee. It occurred to me that someone was paid to produce this little offering of niche humor. There was a market for cleverness, for those who lived on their wits. . . . .
5) What is the Writing Process Like? Who are your influences?
looking inward without getting too obsessed with self. You want to point your words outward to an audience. And to do that, you must write clearly and concisely with an eye on communicating with the largest target audience as possible. Don't necessarily aim for the dumbest lot, but don't necessarily aim for the most obscure crowd either. I write my thoughts out, and then "strafe" them over and over like a spitfire plane leveling a battlefield. You're pointing OUTWARD-- thinking how it would appear to others-- and when everything is "clicking", thoughts come like water slowly poured out of a pot. Some water gets poured, then you have to work with the material you have before you pour some more. And then your piece grows organically, like a combination between chopping wood & free-form jazz. Who said writing was a breeze? Don't for a second think it's easy. . . . .First, I'll say that a big part of the writing process is
It's always good to compare yourself next to
"a gold standard" so you don't fall too far off the mark, like a guitar player with a metronome. T. Coraghessan Boyle knocked my socks off with "The Road to Wellville" and originally set me off with the notion that "I want to do this". There's "Rivethead" by Ben Hamper, "The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band" by Motley Crue with Neil Strauss, "Scary Monsters & Super Freaks: Tales of Sex, Drugs, Rock n' Roll & Murder" by Mike Sager, "What it Takes" by Richard Ben Cramer about the 1988 Presidential campaign, and "The Red Badge of Courage" by Stephen Crane which is incomparable for capturing subjective states of self.Reading those books sharpens me,
dares me to do better, then of course reading your stories to other people lets you hear some feedback of what you can always improve. The good thing about writing as an amateur is that you can always come back to it later. It saved me lots of embarrassment, before I actually posted them online. . . . .
6) Where do you get your ideas? (WHY do you get your ideas?!)
cultural exposure and inborn gifts. Some, however, may see it as a curse. I always had a broad exposure to different "reality tunnels" and could integrate it into my thinking successfully. Most people only come from one place and only know one thing, while I could intuitively flip through ways of thinking like a deck of cards.It's a combination between
7) Did all of that stuff actually happen?
REALLY HAPPENED, with some literary license (-- because it makes a good story), because sometimes it's too good not to tell. The comedy bits are all based on things I've personally seen, heard, or read about.Most of it
8) Any other writerly tips for amateurs "blowin' dust off the keys"?
not overworking a piece to death. If you let a story lay fallow for a week, a month, or even six months you will see it with a whole new set of eyes with what bits of knowledge, perspective, and experience you've accrued in the intervening time frame like the world's biggest ball of aluminum tin foil. Writing is a quest, a never-ending quest toward a state of omniscient godhood on earth that of course, none of us can ever achieve. But to attain higher and higher levels of self-awareness and perfection is the point. It's a spiritual thing, a way of life.I'd say a very profound lesson I've learned is
9) Will you help me get published? Will you help turn my screenplay into a movie? Don't forget about we poor fucks stranded down here below!
(Answer
Pending, Because I'm Still One of Those Poor Fucks)
Actually, what I'll say about that is. . . . . .
Ambition is like blood spilled into the sand.
(Make gradual motion of a tilting cup)
It's cheap, and it doesn't mean much. Through all the centuries of blood-letting, men on the search for gold and adventure and empire and glory, all the pain in the world throughout human history is worth but a blink of the eye, a bat of a whore's eyelash when you find yourself with 2¢ in an El Paso dive.
In Hollywood and publishing, men bleed themselves dry. . . . . often to no avail, because there's always someone willing to limbo lower than you are (-- a scary thought).
Blood is spilled. . . . . . but say you had a golden goblet beneath to catch the blood and recirculate it back into your living body? In the Christ myth, the blood of the crucifixion falls into the Holy Grail for all of worldly suffering and we offer up our heart's blood in turn to be rewarded with wholeness.
That approach, though not without friction, will take you a whole lot further. And what if this "Holy Grail" in question, was the satisfaction of doing what it is you like to do, really well-- regardless of fame and success? Ultimately, the most successful people have grace-- they're not struggling down at that "bottom-line" which makes them awkward, ungainly, and desperate.
Once again, you need grace.
I found grace by having a personal website I could constantly improve. It wasn't like I was another starry-eyed pilgrim moving out to California, looking for a big break that would never come. I didn't have to limbo down to hell nor sell my soul to a pit of clawing, screaming "queens".
Once you find grace, doors will open. And you can tell that scene to "FUCK OFF" for good.
Another thing you must realize is that Hollywood is like a poker game and the way to lose is to appear uncertain or desperate. Once there's "blood in the water", that's almost the signal for the sharks to move in. That's why to be free, you must show power. And to have power, you must have your priorities straight-- you will not debase yourself for money, for someone's mean-spirited amusement. That's why we must practice the Western concept of mastery and self-control, not necessarily looking for "the happy end" that will put us on an ever short-changing "easy street", but the "noble end". Above all, keep your self-respect and cut the head off of slithering snakes.
The best way to retain a noble attitude and "keep it real" is to have a connection to the earth, a sacred appreciation for "what it takes" to deliver entertainment, or much of anything worthwhile for that matter. For me to be a 12 year-old clapping my hands ignominiously at "Beavis & Butthead" and slurping soda-- content to play out this passive watcher/producer relationship forever-- I really had no idea of the behind-the-scenes machinations that made my junior parasitism possible.
For example-- when you eat a steak, you have to take in account many things-- 10,000 years of agriculture that came before you, the rise & fall of civilizations, "The West" standing on top of the world with a capitalist economic market system that makes it all possible, the personal investment of massive agribusiness, all the work it took to raise, slaughter, ship, stock, and least of all, finally to cook the beef for you to eat at a restaurant as all the workers in the chain scurry around at efficient, slave-like wages.
Kind of makes you want to curl up in a fetal ball, doesn't it?
That, or you show sacred respect for the process. There are no "shortcuts" because there is no such thing as "magic". And it's always better to eat steak than succumbing to wicked, slurping cotton-candy values that thinks you can "get something for nothing"-- living in a world constructed out of mud, pus, and slime.
These days in modern society we're dealing increasingly with "nothing", or illusions suffused with-- you guessed it!-- mud, pus, and slime that cover up how things really are. There's art, there's commerce, and then there's "bullshit". It seems that we're dealing almost exclusively in "bullshit", and anyone who mixes art & commerce in the self-indulgent worlds of the East and West coasts must put up with a lot of it in order to get down to "what's real". There's nothing wrong with firm flexibility and listening to outside input, but don't "sell your soul" to those "wicked, slurping cotton-candy values" or reams and reams of "bullshit" or else you'll never be truly happy.
If
you're lost within the process and it all seems like "13 steps to Nowhere", one of those optical
illusion staircases that go around in circles, then rest assured there is that one
extra step that will blow the lid off the system and raise the entire edifice
off the ground by a significant fraction with a jack.
Not only do you have to walk up the staircase, but you have to find that jack within yourself and crank it too! Most folks who come looking for help hate to be told that, but I'm being honest. . . . .
So far as "making it" (-- usually without the pity of those who have), the most truly ambitious find a way and take the path reserved for "warriors of the spirit". I can't be your shortcut, unless you have done all your inner work first. I can point you to the way, but I can't be your inner salvation.
So get to work!
*******************
WHAT YOU HAVE TO REALIZE BEFORE YOU CONTACT ME--
In case one day I do manage "to vault over the wall" with a running leap, which one suspects they will sooner or later, I want you to know something. . . . . though it would certainly be in my capacity to lower down a knotted rope for the cheering throngs to help me storm this place like a populist revolution, what you must understand is there's not enough room in "the castle" for everyone-- the floor would collapse and pitch us all down into "the moat" below the giant "Hollywood" sign. There's not enough studios, investors, or market share in the world of publishing and entertainment to admit "just anyone", and more often than not we have to prove ourselves at "the games" in Sherwood Forest.
In every single movie version of "Robin Hood" I've seen, everyone puts in their merry 110% with no sign of "the fallenness" of the human heart. . . . . . it's always directed OUT THERE toward the castle. Why, if there was no "Sheriff of Nottingham" counting his money like a greedy movie executive or elitist producer sipping champagne and talking on the phone to Martin Scorscese then our lives would be without hardship. Come to think of it though, humanity would be pretty wretched regardless! Most folks put in something less than a merry 110% at "the games" and usually find themselves sitting on their ass watching football instead. "The Games" are open, but most men can't even be bothered to pick up a quarter-staff. And then there's "the hobbyists" who like to dabble, but don't put in the strength and grace of "good form" so they can compete in any kind of meaningful way.
And you expect me to throw down a knotted rope to these people? They'd get "cut down in their tracks" on the parapet wall because they don't have the skill, let alone "strength of character" to defend themselves from the Sheriff's men.
In the past, there have been a handful of all-too-sympathetic "Robin Hood's" who have lowered down a knotted rope to those moaning from the swamp. Usually they had the guilt of that novice's blood on their hands when they later knew they had made a great mistake.
If you want me to "throw down a rope", then you must prove your mettle with feats of daring and skill. You'd need to "have been on the circuit" for a couple of years. You'll have to be able to crow about your deeds of renown and a split a horse in half with a single chop of your sword (-- figuratively speaking). That process alone filters out "the men from the boys", "the hobbyists" from those on the way to becoming professionals. If you want to write, then write. Start on your humble typewriter and refine the process. If you want to entertain, then entertain. Go to the open-mic comedy nights and fall flat on your face, coming back funnier the next time. If you want to break into pro-wrestling, then start in your backyard with an attendance of 12 and keep "bulking up", practicing your technique so when someone influential comes along you don't look like "socks on a rooster". or one of Winona's alt-rock ex-boyfriends in spandex with arms like toothpicks. But you got to start somewhere, and you build yourself up into a "power-house".
Not everyone can be champion, but we sure as hell can "vault over that wall" in our own damn right.
This is Dedicated to
*****************
If you're contacting me, what I have to honestly tell you is that to the person reading the notice of your desperate straits, you're an "unknown quantity". I don't know who you are, how you carry yourself, or how you'd cope in this high-stress environment. I don't know if you're a gold-digger, a killer, a sociopath, or someone sniffin' around for some kind of lawsuit in our lawyer-happy society. Who says it can't happen? It happens all the time! But if you're writing me for honest reasons, I'd say this. . . . . Theoretically, if you came here and saw this town on a day-to-day basis you would understand that there ain't a whole lot of magic-- that most of said "glamour" has to do with the hungry anticipation of those "on the outside" looking in and not "the insiders" looking out.
Lloyd Kaufman, the owner of "Troma Studios" which has put out such illustrious fare as "The Toxic Avengers", has a sure-fire way to filter out the "the wanna-be's" from "the trues". He relies strictly on all the volunteers he can find as non-paid production assistants on his films and by the time the lot feel the actual misery of what it takes "to carry the ball", about 2/3rd's are gone within two days. And out of the dedicated that keep coming back and proving themselves with an ever-building track record, those are the ones who get hired and find a foot-hold in the film business. Some may whine about "all the hard work involved", or the fact that "they're not getting any money", or that "they're risking their time on the shit-circuit", but what did you expect?
I should know. . . . . I run this website!
If you're looking for a sense of fixity and importance, you'll never find it in this town. This is absolutely the last place to go searching for "certainties", where people are scraping around for "the big score" instead of working up to it slowly and gradually like any small town banker or businessman with a "bricks & mortar" operation built on providence and tight-fisted thrift. . . . . the slow build, in other words. There are so many folks around here with the wrong priorities, a cauldron of human foibles which has a way of punishing "the weak" extra hard when they're up against those made out of sterner, more ruthless stuff. Remember the tale of the earthenware pot being dashed to pieces down the stream next to the brass pot. It fell to pieces in this exploitative relationship and couldn't stay afloat. If anything, you should be avoiding those jaded wreckage of human beings whom you see filmed at those parties on the "E!" network, laughing like coke-snorting caped effeminates whose degradation grows worse with every passing moment of boredom.
Build up your strength and confidence so Hollywood is not "a means to an end", but merely icing on a very sweet cake you have fixed yourself from scratch. Remember, only boring people stay bored for long! There's always more to do, if we refuse to rest on our laurels and "pump iron" with our minds! So get into that gym, and prepare for "The Games". . . . . because every man has to carry his own burden, and no one can be expected to "baby-sit" for another's troubles for very long which you or anyone else has to work through and "find solid footing". I can give advice, but "the heavy lifting" is your responsibility just like it was mine! To become fully human, we must leave "The Garden of Eden" and sweat for our bread instead of "staying put" in the nest like baby robins waiting to be fed by their parents. Sad but true! The good news is, from then on we'll know not to fall into the same familiar, comforting trap and can ward others away from immature thinking! Don't get "stabbed in the back" like a groveling beggar-- namely by having a creed of iron!
-- "Ah-nold" is no slave of dependency!
-- Though I'm not quite at the point yet of being a mogul with influence, if any of you out there have something you've honestly been working on for a really long time and "you've been on the circuit", so to speak, with a book or creative website, I'd be glad to take a look whereas others might not.
You never know what'll happen. . . . .
And Remember:
"The Parable of Pearl Jam"
There was once a 12 year-old kid who wrote to the band, telling them his sad, desperate tale. His mother was in a wheelchair, his father was unemployed, and they were about to lose their house. Eddie Vedder and the boys, being the furrowed, earnest, left-wing shit-heads they were-- "rode in and saved the day" and bailed them out, even giving the kid free t-shirts and a signed guitar. But as it turned out, the father took the money and blew it on gambling, cocaine, and prostitutes. The mother, despondent, committed suicide and they lost the house anyway. If I remember correctly, the father even fled town. Isn't "limousine liberalism" wonderful? I think it would have been better if they sent the kid a postcard of the Seattle "Space Needle" and told him to visit one day when he was 18 and independently-situated. That's why "free rides" are a bad idea. . . . .
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Move on to Exhibit #2: "The Super Secret
Testimony"
Back to Exhibit #1: "Damnation Angels"
© 2009 by Insufferable Industries
Drop "The Bard" a line at
michaeladams_s@yahoo.com