Part I: Key Indicies of
the Johnson Smith Catalog
I get them in the mail sometimes-- The Johnson Smith or "Things You Never Knew Existed" mail-order catalog. Among the whoopee cushions, magic tricks, and tasteless sci-fi t-shirts, you can read a lot into the fantasy lives of that hapless "flea market" underbelly of white American manhood, trying to "look sharp" in a denim "leisure suit" as he leans against the "fooz ball" table with his sneakers crossed like an overgrown kid. Check it out!
"No Limit Hold 'Em Poker":
It's a "finder's/keeper's world, after-all, as the stone-faced expression on this dealer's face suggests. The daring intrigue of the casino, when with a sly
Captain James T. Kirk expression you know you have 'em. Feel the shock of humiliation when the dealer on the
box calls your bluff and rakes in all your chips!
Ricky Montez says anyone can freestyle dance-- EVEN YOU! So you're a single male in your '30s or '40s, and you won free tickets on a cruise through that office party giveaway. Time to bring out the gold disco medallion, polyester white suit, and BOOGIE! You're awkward & shy, but that's going to all change as you sashay across the dance floor in one great liberating "Saturday Night Fever" metamorphis. You study this video in the privacy of your own basement, and think you're doing pretty well. You "strut your stuff", everyone sits down for cocktails, and then a wise guy like Tony Clifton makes fun of you in his lounge act!
"The Bad-Ass Bible": How to order a drink, buy a chopper, and talk to a woman. Unfortunately just a page across from the beer mug nightlight and the talking, dancing parrot puppet that
shakes around and flaps it's wings!
The only thing "bad" about you is your fumbling attempt to get some
self-respect!
Play your favorite guitar songs in ONE HOUR with just ONE FINGER! Now this grandfatherly man wouldn't LIE to you now, would he? But wait-- why is he playing only simple folk tunes? These certainly aren't your favorite songs! As you begin to ponder about it, doesn't he look like one of those defrocked ministers from PTL Christian ministries back in the mid-'80s? I thought their likenesses were banned from television for life! I guess that's why he's in Johnson Smith. . . . . put me down for two at $41.98 a piece!
Ah, yes-- what it really comes down to. Nostalgia for an earlier day when things were somehow simpler. Your parents had
successfully "pulled it off", so why can't you? Feel no shame, fellahs-- step right up, that's right. . . . . come on, now. Learn to be direct and "say what you mean". They almost called the police on you that time when you left a note for the salesgirl at "Circuit City", but now it's time "to put some hair on your chest" and no longer weep into your hands like a jilted eleven year-old boy. Take it from a professional in these matters!
"The Near Death Experience: Takes You Into the Light Through The Tunnel, & Beyond!" PhD'd doctors, religious scholars, and philosophers delve into the 3000 cases that give the greatest proof of life beyond the grave. Unsaid that it was a massive conspiracy of anesthesiologists playing tricks on their patients with flashlights!
Conclusion: the target demographic is benign and harmless. That's a whole sight better than the readers of other catalogs:
An Insufferable Industries
Sociological Inquiry<
/P>
Let's turn it over to Buford Christenson, the representative of another lifestyle in another catalog far, far away. . . . .
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"You want a-nuther song? Well I ain't plain' one mutherfuckin' note until someone comes up here and puts sum money in my god-damned tip-jar! You know I only came here for one purpose. . . . . to take yor fuckin' cash! Why, I could make more profit puttin' out my meth-head neighbor's asshole and ringin' a bell, hollerin' 'Man for sale! Man for sale!'
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(Rheeee of Crickets)
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("I heard that, Missy!")
© 2009 by Insufferable Industries
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