White Man's Catalogs
Part II: "Paladin Press"
Alright, listen up you bunch of pansy motherfuckers. This is Buford here, and I'm going to tell you about MY MAIL-ORDER COMPANY OF CHOICE, "Paladin Press". None of that sensitive, pansy, commie shit. Just red meat. Y'hear? Alright.
Quit paying taxes, and live off the grid like a rebel.
YouknowhutImeen? Disappear from society, and skin out like a timber wulf-- start all over and high-tail it for the Pacific Northwest. The Federal Government'll lose the scent if you're discreet. Pick up a Saskawachan missy for yourself and live in a cabin off the
land like a militia man. If this fancy cover don't impress you,
nuthin' will!
Yup, once that bitch ex-wife of mine took my house, my truck, and my money I was ready for some
RE-VENGE! Phone taps, surveillance, and making her life HELL 24 hours a day! The court order says I have to keep at least 100 yards from her at
**all times** but what "Mr. Justice" don't know won't hurt him-- when I walk around on the roof in my flak jacket. Harrassment, my ass!
This, my friend, is how I can all my free cable. NASCAR, fishing shows, and Ted Nugent's survival wilderness camp reality line-up. Yesirree, at 10 PM on Friday's on channel 547 they got "girls with guns"-- bare-chested blond hussies firing fully-automatic AK-47's at old junk cars. My ole' buddy, Paul Tumber is in on that one. What a character!
When I lent money to another pal of mine to start up "Moonlight Bunny Ranch" in Nevada-- a good 'ol fashioned whorehouse-- and he couldn't pay me back,
that's when the shit hit the fan! Those Mexican prostitutes he got off the truck were so fuckin' ugly, I'd rather stick my pecker in a prarie dog hole! So "free credit" wouldn't do and I ended up kicking down his door with my boots at 11 AM and splashing his face down into his cereal. I got my money's worth!
This is just like that time I snuck up on that security guard at K-mart! In my courthouse deposition, I was just tryin' to explain that I was testin' the security of the perimeter. It's a
CRAZY world out there, y'all.
[Buford's Commentary has been omitted on this
guide to being "A Contract Killer", though it did lead to the death of three
people in an incident carried out by an over-zealous ex-husband in 1993 and was
yanked off the shelves on the behest of Paladin Press's insurance company]
Listen,
boys & girls. We live in an increasingly unfree and unsafe world. The tyranny of the
United Nations and the New World Order will be coming for our rights any day now. You have to take a stand, and throw a monkey wrench in the system for the future of liberty as you and I know it. One thing I ask:
"what will you do when they come to take away YOUR guns?!".
This is your ole' pal Buford, signing off.
"Same Planet, Different Worlds!"
An "Insufferable Industries" sociological inquiry
(Back to "Johnson Smith")
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"You want a-nuther song? Well I ain't plain' one mutherfuckin' note until someone comes up here and puts sum money in my god-damned tip-jar! You know I only came here for one purpose. . . . . to take yor fuckin' cash! Why, I could make more profit puttin' out my meth-head neighbor's asshole and ringin' a bell, hollerin' 'Man for sale! Man for sale!'
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(Rheeee of Crickets)
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("I heard that, Missy!")
© 2010 by Insufferable Industries
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